I tried to leave you in suspense with the first part of my story, or maybe this next part is just really hard for me to write. It really is hard for me to tell the whole world my darkest days, the horrible and hurtful things I’ve done. You may see me differently, but my hope is that you understand a hurt child turns into a hurt adult who hurts others and their own self, leaving a path of destruction.

Steven had got home from doing a six year prison sentence; we were 21. I remember the first time I seen him after so many years. Of course, we were instantly drawn to one another and talked all night. We had our fun. But, soon enough he got himself into trouble again; off he went to prison for another three years. A long repetitive story for another day. I told him and myself that I could wait on him, but that lasted only a few months.

I had a few, or maybe more than a few, other short relationships, back and forth with my ex too. I got pregnant again. I hated my life, my self, and that baby. I’m still not sure how I was even able to feel that way, but that’s how it was. I scheduled to have an abortion; when I got there I was so sick; I asked the person who took me to please take me back home. He told me we weren’t leaving until I did it. Well, I did. It was absolutely horrible. I remember them giving me an IV with just a vial of something in it keep me calm. It hurt so much that I was actually screaming and one of the nurses put her hand over my mouth, telling me I would scare the other girls. What a nightmare. Literally. I regret a lot of things I’ve chose to do, but this is one that I was very ashamed of. I didn’t understand how it was possible to hate something I created, but I did.

After Steven had been gone to prison for about six months, I met Josh on a girls’ night out. Within weeks of meeting, I was being kicked out of the apartment I was living in. Josh gave me and my kids a place to live; two months later I was pregnant with my third child, Breeleigh. Our relationship was really rough at the beginning, but after Bree was born our focus shifted to her and it wasn’t so bad. After getting pregnant again, I decided to marry him, which didn’t last either. When Skye was about seven months old. I left him to be back with Steven, who had got back from prison a few months earlier. I divorced Josh and married Steven a few weeks after it was final.

All throughout my life, I had been exposed to many things: drugs wasn’t one of them. (I do have addicts in my family, I just never used drugs myself, but like before a story for another time). Steven is an addict. I learned quickly about how drugs consume your life AND your family’s. I worked, but gave everything for Steven’s habit. In my head I would tell myself I didn’t want him to steal to get anything, thinking that would keep him from jail. I eventually had nothing. I couldn’t even feed my kids. Thinking it was best for them, I sent them to be with their dads for a short period of time. In July of 2014, Steven got arrested and sent to prison for three years; he violated his probation by not completing rehab.

My heart was shattered, I remember laying in my bedroom at my brother’s house crying myself to sleep. I had nothing but a bed to sleep in, my kids were gone, I had no husband which just happened to be my best friend, I had no money or car. It was a very hard adjustment for me, but with him gone I started to change. I got my job back at the salon; the women there helping me get to and from work. Annette, the owner, giving me grace from up and leaving before, helped me to build myself a business. I got my kids back from their dads, got us a car, and finally our own place to live. For the first time in my adult life, I had a place that was mine. I wasn’t using a man for a place to live. But, with that responsibility came a different form of bondage for me. I helped set a man in prison (not Steven) up to make a whole lot of money. He would give me enough to make sure all my bills were paid and extra if I needed or wanted something. This man knew I was lonely and fed off my vulnerability; I was blind. That money had me on a hook; I believed I needed it. I even developed an emotional attachment to him, letting Steven and all his nonsense fall to the back burner. This consumed my life for almost three years. You’re never really warned of the power money has over your life, how it becomes your most prized possession.

Steven came home in October 2016; I really had no idea what to expect but it definitely didn’t turn out how I had dreamed the 27 months he was gone. We ran in an insane circle. Maybe you’ve been in one? You know what I’m talking about. Doing the same thing expecting something different to happen, just knowing that this time it would turn out better or at least different. It doesn’t.

I was turning 30, divorced three times. Yes, by this point I had divorced Steven too (2017). Looking to find the “true love” or “soul mate”, needing this major void to be filled. It was apparent no man was going to do that. I was attached to Steven sexually, attached the other inmate emotionally, and attached to a few others mentally. Using all of them for whatever need or want I had at the moment. But here’s where it truly changes (I had lied and told myself I was changing before, I did just not in a good way), this increasing desire in my heart drew me to seek something new. I was ready to GROW…..