Have you heard of some people choosing a word for their new year instead of a resolution? Last year at Thanksgiving my mother in love asked me what my word was. Hmmm. Never had I thought about doing this for myself until that moment. I prayed and asked God to tell me a word for 2020. Not hearing a thing, I decided I was going to go with faith. January 12th, I realized faith was not my word but refuge was. I don’t know if you know the definition of that word or not, it sounds nice, living it out is a different story.

Being safe during trouble. How fitting. It has played out all year long. From Steven relapsing, avoiding court, going to jail (still to this very day, we don’t even know for how long), getting triple the amount of charges IN jail; to my apartment being searched for firearms and fake money, being arrested on 2 felony conspiracy charges; to a tragic unimaginable accident within my immediate family. With every part of it, God has used it for my growth. He is rising up a voice, and my resistance has transformed into crazy obedience.

Unlike most Christians, in hard times I would run away from God and everyone else. I liked to seclude myself, alone with the lies. Early in the year I was talking to a client and reminding her to chase God even when she’s happy. What that did was actually remind me to chase him even when I’m not. Isn’t it funny how sometimes what we say to someone else is really for us? After that conversation, my stance shifted. I wouldn’t allow myself to be enclosed with the darkness, letting the enemy whisper his down right lies anymore. Instead, I took out the light that is graciously given and was filled with the truth.

While I can tell you all the bad things that have happened this year, I want to reveal the good. If you know me on a personal level or went to school with me, you would know I do NOT like to be the center of attention. I am very timid. Salon me is different from life me (in case some of you are like whhhattt?!?) In class if we had to do anything in front of others, I was the one saying just give me a zero please and thank you. In my first women’s life group, there was maybe like 15-20 women, during prayer request time, they would just know to skip over me because I wasn’t saying anything. But God. He’s so funny, isn’t he. He has placed me on the prayer team at church. Doesn’t sound like a big deal right? I walk in front of everyone (my church is pretty big) along with 4 others and wait for whoever needs prayer to come during the altar call.

Last year, that same mother in love told me she saw me being on the prayer team. A few weeks later, like literally 3, this sweet woman named Miki told me the exact same thing. If these weren’t Christian ladies I would have asked if they were smoking crack together, but I just laughed it off. Sure. After church opened back up, from the rona, before the prayer team was allowed back at the altar, I felt the Holy Spirit tell me to go to the altar. Obviously I argued about it. No way was I doing that. As communion time was approaching, my heart was racing. Then I started to cry. My sister asked me if I wanted her to go up front with me. That would have been an “out” for me. Yes. Much more comfortable. BUT, I said, “no this is something I have to do myself.” 🤨 Wait, I just said that. Anyway, I did it. Turns out, I was the only one who went up there that service to kneel. I told God I didn’t know what I was doing, but there I was with my mustard seed, do what you want with it.

Two weeks later, I was doing Miki’s hair and she brought up the prayer team to me again. I said no and went on about my day. The next morning, God told me he was ready. I text Miki telling her I wasn’t ready but apparently God was so I wanted to be on the team. She replied that she literally was just praying over that. It’s been a few months since then, but I am still very nervous. However, I do it anyway. My prayers are getting louder, more intense, and really just more special. I can hear the Holy Spirit better and feel peace during all the chaos. I am breaking generational curses and bondage off my family. My obedience was what God was looking for.

My advice to you today would be that no matter how crazy you feel or something may seem, when you hear from God listen. It isn’t always for us, sometimes something you do could rescue your sister from being engulfed in flames. Or what you do could drastically change your great grandchildren from addiction or free your neighbor from hatred. Sometimes it IS for us. Leaving your seat, walking up to the altar alone having no idea of the why, could totally transform you. Be brave and seek refuge from our good Father. Just because life looks rough right now, it doesn’t mean something beautiful won’t come from it. ❤️