The last few weeks, I’ve been flooded with memories and flashbacks from this year. Sad, hurtful ones, of course. I try to force them out of my mind. Reminding myself that I chose to forgive so I no longer hold emotions from the events. Much easier said than done though. Choosing to forgive someone who has hurt you or someone you love is very hard, and as humans we tend to hold on to the memory as if bitterness and anger could protect us from it happening again.

Driving through Hickman County and past the hotels in Dickson are triggers for some of my more recent hurts. I chose to remarry Steven in September of 2019, not having any idea how it would turn out this time, but knowing that I had told Pastor Jamie I wouldn’t back out for the 4th time; no matter what I was going to be there. Steven was doing good; but shortly after he wasn’t. Within a few months, I had made him leave home again. Leaving him to sleep at one dope house to the next or even in his truck. Randomly, I would meet him at a hotel or park in the dope house driveway to spend some time with him. Although I was married, I was alone. Alone physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you’ve ever truly loved an addict, you can relate to the hurt and chaos it causes. It’s a hard life for all involved.

The devil whispers these thoughts, these memories in my mind to try and snag me with fear. He wants me to dwell on the what if’s. What if I wait on Steven and he does this my entire life? What if I could be okay with someone else and I just let it pass by for Steven? What if Steven never comes back home? What if I’m not different than before and we run back to our insane circle? BUT, the Bible tells me to think about what is true, right, noble, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. We get the choice of what we dwell on. We can allow one bad thought to turn into a huge downward spiral of junk, or we can replace the thought with truth. As the hurt fills my heart, I get to say, “no, I forgave that; it’s gone, my hope and faith are in God, not Steven.”

My boss told me once that unforgiveness was like drinking poison and expecting it to harm the other person. When we drink poison, it causes damage to us, but forgiving someone is healing for us. It allows you to take the weight off your shoulders and nail it to the cross. What memory keeps replaying over and over in your head feeding you it’s venom? Lay it down, speak out the truth; forgiveness equals freedom. I may not know what my future looks like, but I get the peace of knowing whose hands it is in.