January | 2021 | You Had Me at Grow

Today, I want to take you guys on a journey with me; I was in Insane School for the Selfish. Surely at some point in your life you’ve thought that you were going crazy, literally. I’ve done that a lot, but rarely have I ever spoke out loud what was going on in my brain while doing it. Still to this day, I have no clue what Steven was thinking while observing my insane behavior and words; I do know that in some way it had to affect him also.

Although I have done some pretty ugly things in my life, I thought of myself as a good person, definitely NOT selfish. God decided to open my eyes. At the end of 2019, Steven was going through court for resisting arrest. He didn’t have a license so he chose to pull over, get out of the car, and run from the police. (I’m literally rolling my eyes writing that.) Apparently he had enough sense to know running on foot is a misdemeanor, but in a vehicle is a felony. The police knew who he was before they pulled him over, so I can’t figure out the logic from his perspective. But that’s besides the point. The judge was very gracious and told him to come back in January of 2020 to turn himself in.

Fast forward to March, I’m not even sure of the day. Remember I said I told God I wouldn’t interfere, ha yea. Steven had ran his truck off the side of the road, perfect time for me to notify the police where he was. That way they could arrest him (he had a warrant then). Williamson County did. They picked him up and took him to jail. Relief on my side. Sounds awful I’m sure, but if you love an addict you get it. Steven called me about 3 hours later FROM HIS CELL PHONE! I’m like, “how are you calling me?” He informed me that because of the virus and the small nature of his charges, they wouldn’t him. All I could think was that’s what happens when you try to force stuff and it’s not the right time.

As the court date approached, I found myself repeating to Steven “this time in jail will be different”. I was so hopeful, knowing my God was going to break that addiction off while he was there. I promised God to stay out of the way and just allow him to have his way. When the date came and Steven left the house telling me he wasn’t going to court, it broke me. Literally broke me. I fell to the floor crying so hard, mad at life and God. I had told Steven if he didn’t go to court, he couldn’t come back home. He left that morning with all his things. But I just knew God was going to convict Steven and have him in that court room; he didn’t.

I allowed Steven back home, and that’s when I started to see. I’ve heard over and over that I’m a codependent, blah blah. (Not in my head, hell I took care of us, what you mean.) For some reason, I decided to search that word and read this very long article about it. As I was reading the scenarios, it hit me. This IS you Amanda. I begin to see that I wanted Steven to love me the way I wanted to be loved and when he didn’t, the games started. It was like I was being potty trained from codependency. At first, I just learned about it, realizing I do that. Then, I got to a point where I knew what I had just done, but had already done it, so I would call Steven telling him I’m sorry for acting crazy. That crazy could have been me manipulating him by the “if you do this then I’ll do this” game, or by starting a huge fight game, or even the punch Steven in the face game. It depended on the day, or moment really.

After becoming aware quickly after I had done whatever it was I was doing, I then become aware of what I was doing when I was doing it, but powerless to stop myself. (That’s the part Steven probably thought I was possessed.) I would start a “game” but swiftly stop and have a melt down. I would tell Steven I was replacing God with him. I wanted Steven to love me more than I loved and wanted God. Don’t let me down play that. Picture me crying, snot crying, fighting my own thoughts out loud, back and forth. He would just stare at me, like uh yea Amanda you’re supposed to want me to love you. But that’s not how it was meant. Everything I did, whether good or bad was in hopes Steven would love me. It was selfish. I had portrayed it as me loving him or just trying to help him, but in reality it was for me. Oh how our enemy likes to distort the truth in every form.

Steven got arrested again in April and has been in jail waiting on a court date since. (And for the record, I had absolutely nothing to do with that arrest; I truly stayed out of the way.) If Steven wouldn’t have came back home, I would have continued to blame him and his addiction for ALL our problems. People close to me have watched me slowly change over the last few years, but from this particular arrest to now, I have transformed, reaching a milestone for kindergarten graduation from the nut job school.

In all seriousness, our hidden selfish desires become a visible mess. When we allow a person: a spouse, a friend, a parent, to take the rightful place of God, we set ourselves up to feel insane. People become our hope, our joy, our pebble. I say pebble because they can never live up to the weight those loads carry. However, God can. You can become codependent on The Rock, our firm foundation, knowing your efforts don’t come back void. Don’t let self-seeking put you in the school of crazy!

Love. Some think it’s a noun, a feeling; others think it’s a verb, what we do. Unfortunately society has taught us that love is about us. What it can do to make our own lives better and to throw it away when it doesn’t. I’ve been married four times. Yes, you read that correctly, I’m thirty-three and have had too many husbands. Although, most women would agree that one is too many. Haha. I’m pretty sure that quite a few of my clients don’t even know I’m married now, but I have a story to tell about a love circle and a s**t show marriage.

Steven and I met in sixth grade. He was my boyfriend and just a close friend when he wasn’t. Childhood hurts led me to long for love and led him to prison in high school. I turned to boys to fill my void; he turned to drugs, similar burdens but very different paths. I remember standing in my brothers kitchen during one of his many parties, Steven had recently got out of prison and was there. Everyone had told me about how scary he was now, but I wanted him the minute I saw him. I sent my friend to get his number, ultimately starting our chaotic adult relationship.

It’s been twelve years since that night, Steven has left me five times for more jail/prison time. At first all I wanted was him, giving up any and every thing. It changed me. I learned so much about a drug life that I could be an awesome detective, but enough to just want to fix all the addicts too. It made me bitter and angry. But in the midst of the darkness, this desire to know God formed. I began looking to him to try and handle the life I had created for myself. What a huge mess it was! But, God used the thing (my sister said I couldn’t call Steven a “thing”, but he’s my boo thang 😂) I loved to draw me in.

A few months ago I was at a faith retreat. During a period we were told to be quiet, I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to bury my wedding ring. My first response was NO. No way, that’s my ring. Thoughts flooded my mind: I had this big beautiful ring that Steven lost and got me this one I had on (not as big and beautiful but beautiful nonetheless), it was MY ring, it represented MY marriage. Crazy thing is that I typically didn’t wear my ring. I didn’t care about it; I would take it off and throw it in my purse or the car just wherever. My marriage had always been a total s**t show, the ring equaled a circus. Here God is asking for it and all of a sudden I wanted to keep it. He asked me, “ Do you love me more than you love “things”?” I couldn’t say no to that; I grabbed my sister and told her what I had to do. She dug a hole with a little stick while I cried. I placed it in the ground leaving no marker to find it again.

Leaving from there that weekend, I didn’t understand why God asked me to do something so ridiculous. For two months I still didn’t get it. Yesterday, I was talking to a client and she asked what happened. Meaning what happened from the ring being buried. I told her I didn’t know, but then I found myself saying I didn’t care about my ring nor my marriage and was actually ashamed most times to tell people I was married, who my husband is, and where he’s at. It clicked, God told me to do that to show me that I do care. It showed me I love my God AND my husband. That day, I buried my shame.

Putting all of it together, I’m overwhelmed, in a good way. I look at Steven now more in love with him than I’ve ever been through a screen on my phone, knowing that I have no idea what lies ahead of us, but reminded every single time I look into his eyes how much my Father God loves me. God formed a circle, the shape of my ring, to show me what his love looks like. He used Steven to bring me to him, saving me. Now, he’s using me to bring Steven to him and saving my husband.

The words on this page cannot describe the gratefulness of the journey I’ve been on. It sounds insane, to be happy about a s**t show, but it brought me here. God’s love for me is so amazing, the gentleness, kindness, forgiveness is much more than I deserve. He has it for you too. He will use whatever you allow him to have. Take your ring off and place it deep in the dirty, dirt. Bury the shame of your life and allow God to grow a gorgeous light for the world to see. ❤️