Today, I want to take you guys on a journey with me; I was in Insane School for the Selfish. Surely at some point in your life you’ve thought that you were going crazy, literally. I’ve done that a lot, but rarely have I ever spoke out loud what was going on in my brain while doing it. Still to this day, I have no clue what Steven was thinking while observing my insane behavior and words; I do know that in some way it had to affect him also.

Although I have done some pretty ugly things in my life, I thought of myself as a good person, definitely NOT selfish. God decided to open my eyes. At the end of 2019, Steven was going through court for resisting arrest. He didn’t have a license so he chose to pull over, get out of the car, and run from the police. (I’m literally rolling my eyes writing that.) Apparently he had enough sense to know running on foot is a misdemeanor, but in a vehicle is a felony. The police knew who he was before they pulled him over, so I can’t figure out the logic from his perspective. But that’s besides the point. The judge was very gracious and told him to come back in January of 2020 to turn himself in.

Fast forward to March, I’m not even sure of the day. Remember I said I told God I wouldn’t interfere, ha yea. Steven had ran his truck off the side of the road, perfect time for me to notify the police where he was. That way they could arrest him (he had a warrant then). Williamson County did. They picked him up and took him to jail. Relief on my side. Sounds awful I’m sure, but if you love an addict you get it. Steven called me about 3 hours later FROM HIS CELL PHONE! I’m like, “how are you calling me?” He informed me that because of the virus and the small nature of his charges, they wouldn’t him. All I could think was that’s what happens when you try to force stuff and it’s not the right time.

As the court date approached, I found myself repeating to Steven “this time in jail will be different”. I was so hopeful, knowing my God was going to break that addiction off while he was there. I promised God to stay out of the way and just allow him to have his way. When the date came and Steven left the house telling me he wasn’t going to court, it broke me. Literally broke me. I fell to the floor crying so hard, mad at life and God. I had told Steven if he didn’t go to court, he couldn’t come back home. He left that morning with all his things. But I just knew God was going to convict Steven and have him in that court room; he didn’t.

I allowed Steven back home, and that’s when I started to see. I’ve heard over and over that I’m a codependent, blah blah. (Not in my head, hell I took care of us, what you mean.) For some reason, I decided to search that word and read this very long article about it. As I was reading the scenarios, it hit me. This IS you Amanda. I begin to see that I wanted Steven to love me the way I wanted to be loved and when he didn’t, the games started. It was like I was being potty trained from codependency. At first, I just learned about it, realizing I do that. Then, I got to a point where I knew what I had just done, but had already done it, so I would call Steven telling him I’m sorry for acting crazy. That crazy could have been me manipulating him by the “if you do this then I’ll do this” game, or by starting a huge fight game, or even the punch Steven in the face game. It depended on the day, or moment really.

After becoming aware quickly after I had done whatever it was I was doing, I then become aware of what I was doing when I was doing it, but powerless to stop myself. (That’s the part Steven probably thought I was possessed.) I would start a “game” but swiftly stop and have a melt down. I would tell Steven I was replacing God with him. I wanted Steven to love me more than I loved and wanted God. Don’t let me down play that. Picture me crying, snot crying, fighting my own thoughts out loud, back and forth. He would just stare at me, like uh yea Amanda you’re supposed to want me to love you. But that’s not how it was meant. Everything I did, whether good or bad was in hopes Steven would love me. It was selfish. I had portrayed it as me loving him or just trying to help him, but in reality it was for me. Oh how our enemy likes to distort the truth in every form.

Steven got arrested again in April and has been in jail waiting on a court date since. (And for the record, I had absolutely nothing to do with that arrest; I truly stayed out of the way.) If Steven wouldn’t have came back home, I would have continued to blame him and his addiction for ALL our problems. People close to me have watched me slowly change over the last few years, but from this particular arrest to now, I have transformed, reaching a milestone for kindergarten graduation from the nut job school.

In all seriousness, our hidden selfish desires become a visible mess. When we allow a person: a spouse, a friend, a parent, to take the rightful place of God, we set ourselves up to feel insane. People become our hope, our joy, our pebble. I say pebble because they can never live up to the weight those loads carry. However, God can. You can become codependent on The Rock, our firm foundation, knowing your efforts don’t come back void. Don’t let self-seeking put you in the school of crazy!