Love. Some think it’s a noun, a feeling; others think it’s a verb, what we do. Unfortunately society has taught us that love is about us. What it can do to make our own lives better and to throw it away when it doesn’t. I’ve been married four times. Yes, you read that correctly, I’m thirty-three and have had too many husbands. Although, most women would agree that one is too many. Haha. I’m pretty sure that quite a few of my clients don’t even know I’m married now, but I have a story to tell about a love circle and a s**t show marriage.

Steven and I met in sixth grade. He was my boyfriend and just a close friend when he wasn’t. Childhood hurts led me to long for love and led him to prison in high school. I turned to boys to fill my void; he turned to drugs, similar burdens but very different paths. I remember standing in my brothers kitchen during one of his many parties, Steven had recently got out of prison and was there. Everyone had told me about how scary he was now, but I wanted him the minute I saw him. I sent my friend to get his number, ultimately starting our chaotic adult relationship.

It’s been twelve years since that night, Steven has left me five times for more jail/prison time. At first all I wanted was him, giving up any and every thing. It changed me. I learned so much about a drug life that I could be an awesome detective, but enough to just want to fix all the addicts too. It made me bitter and angry. But in the midst of the darkness, this desire to know God formed. I began looking to him to try and handle the life I had created for myself. What a huge mess it was! But, God used the thing (my sister said I couldn’t call Steven a “thing”, but he’s my boo thang 😂) I loved to draw me in.

A few months ago I was at a faith retreat. During a period we were told to be quiet, I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to bury my wedding ring. My first response was NO. No way, that’s my ring. Thoughts flooded my mind: I had this big beautiful ring that Steven lost and got me this one I had on (not as big and beautiful but beautiful nonetheless), it was MY ring, it represented MY marriage. Crazy thing is that I typically didn’t wear my ring. I didn’t care about it; I would take it off and throw it in my purse or the car just wherever. My marriage had always been a total s**t show, the ring equaled a circus. Here God is asking for it and all of a sudden I wanted to keep it. He asked me, “ Do you love me more than you love “things”?” I couldn’t say no to that; I grabbed my sister and told her what I had to do. She dug a hole with a little stick while I cried. I placed it in the ground leaving no marker to find it again.

Leaving from there that weekend, I didn’t understand why God asked me to do something so ridiculous. For two months I still didn’t get it. Yesterday, I was talking to a client and she asked what happened. Meaning what happened from the ring being buried. I told her I didn’t know, but then I found myself saying I didn’t care about my ring nor my marriage and was actually ashamed most times to tell people I was married, who my husband is, and where he’s at. It clicked, God told me to do that to show me that I do care. It showed me I love my God AND my husband. That day, I buried my shame.

Putting all of it together, I’m overwhelmed, in a good way. I look at Steven now more in love with him than I’ve ever been through a screen on my phone, knowing that I have no idea what lies ahead of us, but reminded every single time I look into his eyes how much my Father God loves me. God formed a circle, the shape of my ring, to show me what his love looks like. He used Steven to bring me to him, saving me. Now, he’s using me to bring Steven to him and saving my husband.

The words on this page cannot describe the gratefulness of the journey I’ve been on. It sounds insane, to be happy about a s**t show, but it brought me here. God’s love for me is so amazing, the gentleness, kindness, forgiveness is much more than I deserve. He has it for you too. He will use whatever you allow him to have. Take your ring off and place it deep in the dirty, dirt. Bury the shame of your life and allow God to grow a gorgeous light for the world to see. ❤️