To try to understand me, you need to know my story. Here’s Part 1:

I was born in 1987; I get told I’m still a baby a lot. My childhood memories aren’t the good ones that give you the warm fuzzy feeling. I remember a whole lot of anger, fear, and absent parenting. There were a few, very few, good things thrown in. We would spend the summer weekends at the Tennessee River, loved it. I still love all things water to this very day.

At the age of 10, I changed. Being completely innocent minded evaporated quickly when I was molested and decided it was my own fault; I could get love and attention by anything sexual. My parents also divorced around the same time. Going from 5th to 6th grade, I was a different child. Meeting Steven in my new form, at 11, we bonded instantly. Little did I know then, he was a hurting child too.

My sister and I would spend a week with our dad during Christmas vacation. At the age of 13, he decided that I was too much and told me I was not allowed to see him anymore. Around a year later, this older boy that I had a crush on, Cliff, decided to call me. In desperation for love, I clung to him. My mom had moved to a new house when I was around 15-16, pretty much pushing me out. She told me that if I wanted to live there I could sleep on the couch. I left and moved in with Cliff and his family. We got married when I was 17, getting pregnant a month later.

I became a mother in March of 2006. Jenna was such a good baby and I just loved every moment with her. Within the next year, my sister had become too much for my parents to handle, and they pushed her out. She moved in with me and suddenly I was a mom to not only a little girl but a teenage girl too (I think she was 14/15). In 2008, I gave birth to Carter. I was about to turn 21. Cliff had taken a job in Texas cleaning up from hurricane Katrina. I became severely depressed, begging him to please come back home. He would tell me he couldn’t; he didn’t have work here. Again, I suddenly became different. I started talking to other men; I started drinking and going out; I started cutting myself.

Chelsea, my precious little sister, and I really created a bond. She was there to pick up my slack, and I was there loving her. We didn’t know it then, but that set us up to become the bestest of friends. Right now, today I see her as one of my babies. I took her in when she was told she was just too much work, and she loved me with no judgement at all through all my darkest moments. Some days I don’t understand why I was born into the family I was, but she is the blessing out of that mess.

Part 2, I will tell you about my dark days. I will tell you about the horrible choices I made and the people I hurt. Good thing I am forgiven as far as the East is to the West.