My plan when starting this blog was to write portions of my story mixed with some journal like pieces. Not long after my posts started, I was arrested. I’m sure some of you have seen the posts and that others will be taken back by what you just read. I was charged with two felonies: conspiracy possession of heroin and conspiracy introduction of heroin into a penal facility. I have been extremely ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated that my name is linked to the situation. I also know that not one of those feelings come from God. Sooo, here I am putting myself and my own life on blast hoping that someone can recognize an issue within themselves and seek true fulfillment.

I have an addiction. Not one of substance, but of longing. I want so deeply to be loved. Truly loved. Unconditionally love. I have failed in this certain area over and over in my walk with God and in my growth. While I have surrendered many things, this is my greatest struggle. Even as I’m writing this post, I continue to pray that God would stop my hunger for man to love me (in the aspect that I find wholeness in them). I want you to know that in no form do I judge any addiction. Some addicts struggle with drugs, some with alcohol, others with cigarettes and food, some even have an addiction to lying and manipulation. People like me, we struggle with wanting attention, affection, to be desired, to not be alone, to fit in, and to please people.

I did NOT try to help anyone get drugs into the jail, but because I want to be loved so badly, I put myself into the position for me to be accused of it. Our actions have consequences even when we intend them for our own good. Because I have the desire for Steven to love me the way I (and I would underline I a million times if I could) want him to, I have done many things I knew I shouldn’t have or things I didn’t want to. If you know Steven, well, sometimes I did stuff just to shut him up. That night, there was a supposed plan that I supposedly had knowledge of and gave someone a ride to get drugs to take back into the jail. I was only told he had no way home and needed a ride.

My point of this post isn’t to prove my innocence; I truly believe if you know me then I don’t need to prove anything; you know my heart. I want people like me to understand that man, people, will never fill the void that you feel. You can move all the mountains for someone, even get arrested and go to jail for them, but they can never fill what God created us to long for. Although I wasn’t completely aware of all the things I did, I was aware of the problem after my third marriage still wasn’t enough for me. It has taken years and much searching to find most of the little, deep rooted things I do that are actually hurtful and harmful to my own self. I trust that if you have this same issue, you will realize that you do too.

Here is where I really just expose myself. I’ve decided to make a list of behaviors you can look for to see this addiction in yourself. Each one of these I have personally done, with the exception of sleeping with a married man (that I know of anyway). Of course there’s more than just these like: drinking, smoking pot, cutting myself, etc. just to numb the pain I would feel when abandoned or rejected.

• You’ve cheated or alway have a “back up” in case the relationship you’re in doesn’t work.
• You’ve been married multiple times. You move from one relationship to the next one quickly, sometimes moving in together within weeks.
• You’re clingy or chase after people who make it obvious they don’t really want to be in a relationship with you. (This also includes chasing people who aren’t even available, which could be physical like being married or emotionally.)
• You change your looks in hopes of being noticed. You send or post pictures that you know are seeking affirmation or attention.
• You have to lie to cover up talking to a particular person or people. You lie or play the what if game to get a reaction.
• You worry more about what people think of you than worrying about what’s right.
• You scream or throw a fit if you aren’t loved like you want. Meaning you cannot control the situation and you act a fool.
• You feel the need to physically or mentally hurt someone when they aren’t filling your needs and wants.

I also want to point out that this doesn’t just have to be from a lover. You can seek love from a mother/father figure, friends, or just people in general. I don’t know how to make the struggle go away, but I can lead you to the One who does. I woke up on a certain Sunday and wanted this relationship with God that I saw in others. I wanted that true joy and happiness. Since then, I have actively pursued just that. It’s been almost three years, and I am constantly growing or changing. I can’t lie, accepting that I have (and that’s present tense) a problem and trying to heal from my past and current situations has been/is extremely painful and difficult. However, I wouldn’t trade the woman I am today (and becoming) for nothing, not even an innocent verdict.